Dear Lola: Questions about love, sex and dating

I’ve gotten some great questions this week about your relationships and I’m excited to finally answer them. Hopefully I can give you some wisdom, and if not that, then maybe a few laughs.

Here we go.

The first question I received is about breaking up. Break-ups suck. They are literally the worst thing in the world.

Cassie asks: How do you keep your cool after you’ve been broken up with? What are some dos and don’ts? 

Well, Cassie, you do need to stay busy. Take it from me, the girl who cried every day for a month after Perfect Paul broke up with me. Staying busy will keep your mind off of what happened and keep you from running the million questions through your head that inevitably never get you the answer you want. Do pick up a new hobby, like an adult coloring book. Those things put you in the zone, I’m serious. Do spend time with your girl friends. They are there for a reason: to talk shit about your ex with you, to get you drunk on Saturday night and to prevent you from drunk-texting him on Saturday night, which I know you’ll want to do. But don’t! Don’t contact him. Don’t do anything creepy like show up at his band’s show uninvited (I almost did that once) or go liking his Instagram pictures. Don’t block him on social media either, that will only show you care. Just stay busy, have a drink, go out with friends and move on.Another question I received was surprisingly poignant.

Allison asks: I’m afraid my “number” is too high. How do I not feel embarrassed when that conversation comes up in a new relationship? 

I like this question because it brings up how women often feel ashamed of their number, while the more girls a guy can have sex with makes them somehow more of a man. This is so annoying. Whether you’ve been with one person or 100, you should never let your number define your character nor judge someone else based on theirs. If a guy is turned off or intimidated by how many sexual experiences you’ve had, he’s probably not the one for you, and he might be an asshole. Life is full of beautiful experiences, and sex is one of them. Exploring that side of yourself should warrant no explanation, but if you feel so inclined, my advice would be to say that the number of partners you’ve had has helped you learn more about what you enjoy, don’t enjoy and if it’s safe and consensual ... no regrets. A nice person won’t judge you for it. If they do, dump them.The next question had to do with exclusivity, a gray area for many Millennials.

Kelsie asks: In a world full of open relationships, one-night stands and casual dating, it can be hard to establish commitment. You don’t want to scare a guy off with words like “exclusive” and “official,” but you also don’t want to get caught in a friends-with-benefits situation. How can a gal turn dating into a relationship without scaring off the other party? 

This is something I’m still figuring out myself, but I think if I learned anything from my relationship with Kent it’s that friends-with-benefits is such a waste of time. In my next relationship, I plan to be up-front from the beginning and say what my intentions are. I think it’s a difference between boys and men, to be honest. A boy will not know what he wants, be scared of commitment and ghost on you when you bring up exclusivity. That’s bullshit. What you should be looking for is someone who doesn’t get put-off by what it is you really want. You want a man who respects that and is turned on by your confidence, not deterred by it. If you’re up-front from the beginning, you’ll save yourself time and heartache if it doesn’t work out. At least if you’re honest from the beginning about what you want, the guy won’t be surprised when you do bring up the “what are we” talk. If you’re in a current friends-with-benefits situation, my advice is to pump up the courage and just talk about it. A good guy won’t ghost on you, and if he does, he’s an idiot and not the kind of person you want to be with anyway.I was really happy to have a few guys ask a question this week, and this one has to do with breakups.

Preston asks: So, the girl I have been seeing on and off for the past year or so decided to try and make things work with her ex-boyfriend. What can I do to get over it? 

Ugh, Preston, I’m so sorry this happened to you. Being broken up with hurts, but being broken up with for her most-likely loser, ugly ex-boyfriend? Even worse. My advice to get over it is to stay busy, just like I told Cassie earlier. Focus on yourself and building your personal health and happiness, and when it inevitably doesn’t work out with her ex and she comes back to you, you’ll be looking good and feeling fine. This will drive her crazy. Women want men to want them, even if they don’t like the guy that much. So if you are confident, cool and collected this will probably drive her insane. Like Beyonce says, the best revenge is your paper. So go out there, kick ass and don’t look back. You should probably get together with some friends this weekend and drink it out at the local dive bar that you know she’s going to be at, that way she’ll be sitting with her stupid ex-boyfriend and you’ll be completely unaffected, having a blast right in front of her.My other guy question is about sex and friendship, a line that can often become blurred if you're not upfront.

Matthew asks: If you have been friends with someone for years and finally want to take it serious when is it a good time to throw sex into the equation? Could it ruin the years of friendship we've had?

It is extremely possible it could ruin your friendship. But, it's also very possible it could be the greatest relationship of your life. After all, they say you're supposed to be with your best friend, right? In my experience with that, for example with Mr. Big, the friendship was never the same again after we had sex. It shifts the dynamics of a friendship and takes it from ... well, friendship to something much more, even if the sex is just casual. While Big and I have been able to salvage our friendship over the years, it hasn't been an easy road to get there and there's always the possibility of us being on shaky ground if we cross any lines. But the bottom line is: "just friends" don't sleep with each other. "Just friends" don't want to have sex with each other, because "just friends" excludes attraction. If you want to keep this person as a friend, I'd avoid sexual contact. But if you think there's real relationship potential there, then bring it up as a joke first. That way, if they turn you down, you can be like ... just kidding.If you liked this column and want a question answered next month, send an email to info@stylehomepage.com with the subject line “Lola.” Don’t worry, you’ll stay anonymous. Until next time.

With Love, Lola.